5 Years to Freedom
I’m unhappy.
Or maybe I’m just unsatisfied. Maybe I’m both. I’m not sure the differentiation really matters other than to put a specific name on the energy-draining, anhedonia-inducing specter of a misaligned life.
I’m not trying to be dramatic. If anyone ever reads this, I’m sure it will resonate with some of you. And if it doesn’t, perhaps you know someone feeling this way and might find some insight here.
I have always been a pretty career-driven person. I went to college, post-grad, a doctorate program, etc. I was the prototypical “bright-eyed and bushy-tailed” graduate, seemingly too young for my profession and too hungry for more work and responsibility. I traversed my industry, moving through tangentially-related roles until ascending to what I thought was the pinnacle of professions: the consultant.
I spent a decade working toward the opportunity to “consult”. To fly in, solve problems, and disappear in a puff of smoke. Off to the next client. Off the solve the next problem. I thought this would be “making it”. And in a sense, it is. I’m well paid, work remotely, and have considerable flexibility in hours. I have reasonable benefits and work with talented and smart people.
My job isn’t bad. But something doesn’t have to be bad to not be right.
I wrestled with what I thought was my own lack of gratitude for a while. A lot of people would love to be in my position, why do I feel so sad? It didn’t make sense. I tried asking for new opportunities at work – maybe things were just getting stale? But the deep, almost instinctual feeling of discomfort remained.
Eventually, the realized truths of an endless torrent of cliches rained down upon me like a Jumanjian monsoon. “Money can’t buy happiness”, “less is more”, “the best things in life are free”, “rich in pocket, poor in soul”, and the most obvious “mo’ money, mo’ problems”. You hear these sayings repeated throughout your life. You undoubtedly know what these sayings mean at a superficial level, but have you ever stopped to audit your behavior against their wisdom? Like, actually stopped and consciously thought about what was motivating your decisions and if you were fixated on a future state fantasy while ignoring real-time internal alerts?
I hadn’t, then all of a sudden, I did.
All of my passion and interest is captured by an industry I only participate in recreationally for a handful of hours, while a majority of my day, week, and year is dominated by a responsibility that, while objectively not bad, doesn’t align with where my heart is. The career path I’ve taken was motivated mostly by curiosity and the excitement of learning new things, but there has also always been a monetary component. I’m sure this is true for some, if not most, people.
But more money, more responsibilities, new titles, and bigger projects didn’t result in happiness. The sayings were true. I started day dreaming about being a mechanic in a bike shop, or in retail at a specialty running store, anything that brought me closer to my passion and the people in that community. But everything felt so out of reach either due to experience or the massive pay cut I’d be taking.
There has to be a way to make it work, right?
That’s what I’m going to document. I’m giving myself 5 years to make the appropriate lifestyle and financial changes to facilitate a move to the mountains and finding (or creating) a career that aligns with my passion for the outdoors and physical activity. The uncertainty of what this will look like is actually kind of exciting – it reminders me of how I feel before every ultra: anxious, hopeful, and ready for whatever the day (or 5 years) has to offer.